That College Slang Guy

This one is for the freshmen.

Chances are there is a guy on your freshmen hall who has adapted what can can only be described as "dumbass college slang." He has quickly picked up on some college terminology that most use sarcastically. Oblivious to this, and to the fact that he will struggle to find a roomate for next year and will likely end of living with a smelly foreign/nerdy/hippie/any of the above kid, he throws around terms such as "broseph" in a dangerously casual manner. Sometimes, he begins downright impossible to understand. Thus, I present this easy translation guide.

He says: Dude I totally slayed some dank ass tang last night.
He is trying to say: Dude, I fucked a really hot chick last night.
Actual meaning: Dude, I lost my virginity last night to some less than average slightly over weight girl with an acne problem.

He says: Dude, brah, I got so fucking hammered last night it was complete gnar, I almost went to the hospital, but I was like fuck no, I drank more than this in highschool.
He is trying to say: I drank a lot last night, and can likely drink more than you, which makes me more of a man.
Actual meaning: I got drunk off a beer and a cup of jungle juice, past out in the hallway, and urinated in my pants. Later, someone tried to help me, but I drunkenly punched them in the face. I have now alienated nearly half the people I know.

He says: Dude, you know where I could score some dank herb?
He is trying to say: I would like to smoke some pot because it will make me seem cooler.
Actual meaning: I've never purchased pot before, nor do I intend on smoking any. My mom dressed me throughout most of highschool, and I was only invited to one party which I left early when I realized that there may be illegal drug use.

He says: Dude, there was this total butter face last night at the party who kept to suck my face.
He is trying to say: A girl with a nice body, but an unattractive face tried to make out with me.
Actual meaning: I have already lowered my standards, but I still cannot get any from even the most homely fat chicks. I cried myself to sleep last night after rubbing one out, and watching several episodes of Scrubs.

Welcome Back!

I'm back from my 4 and a half month vacation with brand new wisdom and, if you're lucky, some fucking humor. But honestly, who has time for humor these days. Our country is literally falling apart at the pant seams. Speaking of pants around the ankles, when did the republicans become so cock hungry? I mean, a men's room in an airport in Minnesota? What happened to the good old days when a senator could go on an all night binge of cocaine and underage child hookers, then have the evidence erased the next morning by a local police chief whose daughter is looking to get into politics but has some federal meth charges on her record that need to mysteriously vanish. I guess we need to admire Larry Craig's work ethic. He was so damn busy fighting for the rights of good old fashion, moral, hard working Americans who hate the gays, that he only had time for a quick handy from a dude in a crowded airport. If only all senators were so good at balancing their schedules. Anyway enjoy the picture of soon to be former Senator Craig looking not at all gay...how did we not see this coming?

Product Recalls from Japan

Sometimes companies forget to hire translators. Most of the time this ends in hilarious slapstick situations which end up on Mad TV (FYI: Mad TV is the reason the terrorists are winning). Sometimes, however, these companies produce life threatening products that must be recalled...the result...even more hilarity. The following are some selections from recent Japanese products being recalled in America:

-ALERT!: Turtleneck gives VD when worn on neck of head.
-CAUTION: Microwave stabs babies when burning popcorn.
-CAUTIONS: Old person diapers make rape when playing tennis.
-WARNING: Car makes fire when sex is made in back of.
-DEFECT: Kittens die from holding under water.
-SUPER ALERT: Children prone for sexy when fed liquor.

Product Recalls from Japan

Sometimes companies forget to hire translators. Most of the time this ends in hilarious slapstick situations which end up on Mad TV (FYI: Mad TV is the reason the terrorists are winning). Sometime, however, these companies produce live threatening products that must be recalled...the result...even more hilarity. The following are some selecetions from recent Japanese products being recalled in America:

-ALERT!: Turtleneck gives VD when worn on neck of head.
-CAUTION: Microwave stabs babies when burning popcorn.
-CAUTIONS: Old person diapers make rape when playing tennis.
-WARNING: Car makes fire when sex is made in back of.
-DEFECT: Kittens die from holding under water.

Something to Tide You Over

I'm currently buried in lots of papers that I'm not doing for Professors who likely scream their own names every night during sex with wives they pretend are that slutty looking girl who sits in the front and always makes stupid fucking comments. Thus there has been a noticeable lack in posts...as noticeable as is possible since I have only done four posts so far. Anyways, there will be lots of delicious posts and some pictures coming this weekend. In the meantime tide yourself over with the Greatest Family Guy Montage Ever from my friends over at compfused.com. Family Guy: Best Moments


Watch Video

Or this incredible video starring Will Ferrel from the good dudes at funnyordie.com.

50 Ways to Break-up with some Fucking Style

Paul Simon once wrote "there must be 50 ways to leave your lover." What you may not know is that Paul Simon was king of the kickass break up. Onetime he paid Ray Charles $1,000 to touch his girlfriend's face and tell her that she felt ugly. He also told Art Garfunkle that he was a no talent hack, and that he could go fuck himself until he learned how to play a damn instrument or write some damn music. That was before they discovered mushrooms.

With that said. I present volume #1 of "50 Ways to Break-up with some Fucking Style:"

1) Take all her shampoo, soaps, lotions, and towels then leave a dollar on her pillow.

Drinking Is Not Game (Masters drinking game edition)

So this weekend was the Masters, and currently Tiger woods is preparing to gnaw through the flesh of another hopeful contender, rip out his heart, and crush all his hopes and dreams. So here is our latest drinking game. It is Masters themed, but you can play while watching any group of spoiled white guys whack balls.

-Shotgun a beer everytime a golfer swears.
-Drink once everytime Tiger hits a left handed shot just for the hell of it.
-Drink twice if lands it within three feet of the hole but he still looks like he wants to strangle a kitten.
-Shotgun a beer everytime someone in crowd screams something that sounds offensive.
-Drink once when a shot hits someone in the crowd.
-Feel guilty if it is somone in a wheelchair.
-Drink for the duration of all pointless camera work (empty fairways, trees etc.)
-Drink once everytime an announcer talks about how good Tiger is and it sounds sexual.
-Drink twice if he does it with an accent.