Sunday, April 29, 2007

Product Recalls from Japan

Sometimes companies forget to hire translators. Most of the time this ends in hilarious slapstick situations which end up on Mad TV (FYI: Mad TV is the reason the terrorists are winning). Sometimes, however, these companies produce life threatening products that must be recalled...the result...even more hilarity. The following are some selections from recent Japanese products being recalled in America:

-ALERT!: Turtleneck gives VD when worn on neck of head.
-CAUTION: Microwave stabs babies when burning popcorn.
-CAUTIONS: Old person diapers make rape when playing tennis.
-WARNING: Car makes fire when sex is made in back of.
-DEFECT: Kittens die from holding under water.
-SUPER ALERT: Children prone for sexy when fed liquor.

Product Recalls from Japan

Sometimes companies forget to hire translators. Most of the time this ends in hilarious slapstick situations which end up on Mad TV (FYI: Mad TV is the reason the terrorists are winning). Sometime, however, these companies produce live threatening products that must be recalled...the result...even more hilarity. The following are some selecetions from recent Japanese products being recalled in America:

-ALERT!: Turtleneck gives VD when worn on neck of head.
-CAUTION: Microwave stabs babies when burning popcorn.
-CAUTIONS: Old person diapers make rape when playing tennis.
-WARNING: Car makes fire when sex is made in back of.
-DEFECT: Kittens die from holding under water.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Something to Tide You Over

I'm currently buried in lots of papers that I'm not doing for Professors who likely scream their own names every night during sex with wives they pretend are that slutty looking girl who sits in the front and always makes stupid fucking comments. Thus there has been a noticeable lack in posts...as noticeable as is possible since I have only done four posts so far. Anyways, there will be lots of delicious posts and some pictures coming this weekend. In the meantime tide yourself over with the Greatest Family Guy Montage Ever from my friends over at compfused.com.
Family Guy: Best Moments


Watch Video


Or this incredible video starring Will Ferrel from the good dudes at funnyordie.com.

Monday, April 9, 2007

50 Ways to Break-up with some Fucking Style

Paul Simon once wrote "there must be 50 ways to leave your lover." What you may not know is that Paul Simon was king of the kickass break up. Onetime he paid Ray Charles $1,000 to touch his girlfriend's face and tell her that she felt ugly. He also told Art Garfunkle that he was a no talent hack, and that he could go fuck himself until he learned how to play a damn instrument or write some damn music. That was before they discovered mushrooms.

With that said. I present volume #1 of "50 Ways to Break-up with some Fucking Style:"

1) Take all her shampoo, soaps, lotions, and towels then leave a dollar on her pillow.

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Drinking Is Not Game (Masters drinking game edition)

So this weekend was the Masters, and currently Tiger woods is preparing to gnaw through the flesh of another hopeful contender, rip out his heart, and crush all his hopes and dreams. So here is our latest drinking game. It is Masters themed, but you can play while watching any group of spoiled white guys whack balls.

-Shotgun a beer everytime a golfer swears.
-Drink once everytime Tiger hits a left handed shot just for the hell of it.
-Drink twice if lands it within three feet of the hole but he still looks like he wants to strangle a kitten.
-Shotgun a beer everytime someone in crowd screams something that sounds offensive.
-Drink once when a shot hits someone in the crowd.
-Feel guilty if it is somone in a wheelchair.
-Drink for the duration of all pointless camera work (empty fairways, trees etc.)
-Drink once everytime an announcer talks about how good Tiger is and it sounds sexual.
-Drink twice if he does it with an accent.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Drinking Is Not a Game (Easter Edition)

Going home for Easter weekend? That College Guy's Easter Drinking Game should help you tolerate the family and quell your shaky hands while trying to decorate eggs.

-Drink once everytime your little brother calls an egg pretty.
-Drink twice to clear the mental image of him twirling a baton at a highschool football game.
-Drink once everytime your drunk Uncle steps on an egg and then compares it to his shattered dreams.
-Shotgun a beer every time you tell an eight-year-old the easter bunny was killed by viscous dogs.
-Shotgun two if its a relative.
-Drink three times whenever your senile grandfather compares the easter bunny to Hitler.
-Pound a beer whenever you picture your hot cousin in bunny ears.
-Drink until you black out when you picture her in only bunny ears.

For your viewing pleasure: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfpz9uEH-fQ

So College Advice (the day after a good black out)

So you blacked out Saturday night, congratulations! We’ll get back to that in a moment. First, let me introduce myself, I am That College Guy. My $40,000+ tuition would likely be better spent on…just about anything, but don’t tell my parents that. When I’m not playing Tiger Woods 2007 on my stolen playstation, bonging Jager, you can find me drunkenly trading STDs with a fat chick who tastes like beer and a KFC Famous Bowl. If I can’t make it to class I try to cover up the guilt by engaging my roommates in inane banter about the most recent political developments of which I know absolutely nothing. Do you know who Roberto Gonzales is? Neither do I, but by merely mentioning his name in casual conversation I am able to reassure myself that I have not “smoked myself retarded.”
That’s right, I am That College Guy and I am everything that is stereotypically college. I have decided to share some of my knowledge with you. I already found a half hour spot in my weekly schedule; on Thursday night in between downloading internet porn and purchasing alcohol for minors, during which time I will let my wisdom spill onto this page like so many knuckle children onto the t-shirt under my bed.

So you blacked out Saturday night! Forgot already, eh? Oh what fun you must have had. In fact, you are nearly 100% positive that sometime in between your eighth shot of tequila at 10pm on Saturday and waking up on Sunday at 2pm, that you must have done something really fucking sweet. All you can remember, however, is a scattering of blurred images. Likely something like this: “Where did I go last night? The swimming house? I don’t even know any swimmers. Who the fuck is that walking me back to my dorm…a public safety officer? I’m I vomiting on his shoes or are his shoes kicking me in the face? Why is he wearing heels? It’s a chick! Sweet, I must have scored last night! Was it that cute girl from upstairs? Now I remember being in her suite...I think. God let’s hope it was her and not her ambiguously gay roommate Nathan.”
Now what? First, you are going to need to find out what you did/didn’t do/touch/break/lick/vomit on/fall down/ bad touch/good touch…you get the point. That is the only way to ease that ominous feeling that you may have done something horribly wrong. Was there a cat involved? Perhaps a small child? Fire? Public urination…maybe involving the cat? Start with your closest friends. Ask them vague yet directed questions such as: “Did I leave my jacket at your place? No…how about my man-juice?” Questions like these will make it seem like you remember everything. Other good examples are: “Were you with us when we walked back last night? Did we go to Turkey Hill? Did I break a car window with my head and then proceed to relieve myself into the car while screaming improperly quoted lines from Family Guy?” The answers to these questions will help you slowly piece together the story of your hilarious/witty/sloppy/burning/murderous/horrifyingly inappropriate actions.
By now you should know whether you should avoid eye contact with the girl from upstairs for the next couple of weeks. Also, you should have some sense of the likelihood of any pending legal actions. There is a big difference between running from the cops after peeing on the side of the pizza place, and running from imaginary cops…after peeing on yourself.
Chances are that I (That College Guy) saw you at some point Saturday night. Maybe we talked about “that chick that does that thing with her tongue” or swapped stories about home made bongs. More than likely we reminisced about how awesome it was to wear sandals that day when it was 8 degrees below zero. Man that was cool! Perhaps you even threatened to fight me because I told you that O.A.R. sucks.