Wednesday, December 26, 2007

What We Learned in 2007 (vol. 1)

1. Pitbull's look best handing from a chandelier.
2. Global warming means we can all move further north.
3. Airport bathrooms are a lot more fun than we used to think.
4. Republican loved handies as much as the rest of us.
5. Restless crapping can be taken extremely out of context.
6. 1 tap for I need toilet paper
7. 2 taps for how about I jerk you off under the stall.
8. 3 taps for "Hi I'm a congressman from a conservative state. Would you care to place your member in my hand while I move it back and forth in the following motion?"
9. Ewwwwwww
10. Every baseball player ever, especially Babe Ruth, has used steroids.
11. Barry Bonds actually injected his own ass and the home run ball with steroids.
12. I'll add more later...i'm bored...and tired...fuck you don't judge me.

That College Guy is back...didn't you even miss me?

You may have noticed that That College Guy, took a brief hiatus. Approximately a 1.5 month hiatus. And I'm not telling you where I was...because its my fucking website and I don't have to explain myself to you. What are you my fucking mother? Love yah. Now back to the slightly offensive, never political correct, and often riot provoking humor...

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Real Government Warnings

What those beer labels should actually say.

Government Warning: 1) According to the surgeon general, women should not consume alcohol when having their period. This can cause extreme emotions and complete bitchiness. 2) Consumption of alcoholic beverages can impair you ability to realize the guy you are about to fight is twice your size.

Government Warning: 1) According to the surgeon general you will be called a pussy later tonight when you puke on yourself. 2) Consumption of alcoholic beverage can impair your ability to keep you dick hard, but can also make you last for hours before passing out.

Government Warning: 1) According to the surgeon general, women should not consume alcohol after watching Grey's Anatomy. 2) Consumption of alcoholic beverages can impair your ability not to drunk dial your ex/parents/little siblings/professors/the White House.

Government Warning: 1) According to the surgeon general, women should remain sober and always be the designated driver since it is the only time you should be allowed to operate a motor vehicle. 2) Consumption of alcoholic beverages can impair you ability to determine the weight of members of the opposite sex.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Live Blogging Class

It's Tuesday again, which means its time for another seminar live-blog!

1:35pm: Professor explains how to take an exam. No shit sherlock...the class is entirely seniors.

1:37pm: Now he is telling us how to read a chapter of a book. What's that? Left to right? Oh....that has been my fucking problem!

1:41pm: "I try to give an exam that is both fair and makes sure of your knowledge." Thank god, I thought he was going to say that the exam is designed to fuck us in the ass.

1:43pm: "I don't know what teal is, I don't know what mauve is, I don't know what chartreuse is..." I did not make this up, he just listed a bunch of colors he does not know. What is going on?

1:47pm: Remember garden gnome and hitler youth from last week? Hitler youth just called garden gnome a baby killer. Abortion debates are always fun for everyone!

1:52pm: "I'm not even going to begin to tell young women how to dress. You dress classier...we know that won't happen in this class." I'm pretty Professor smoked some crack before class.

2:05pm: Springsteen is on the cover of Rolling Stone! Sickness, that man is god...whoops...started zoning out already.

2:12pm: You know what should be a word? Douchebaggery.

3:33pm: I fell asleep and then woke up in time for the break again. I should stop doing that.

3:34pm: "Are there any disadvantages to diversity?" Is it wrong that I instantly thought of 3 horribly inappropriate and more than mildly racist jokes? Abercrombie and Fitch thinks there are lots of disadvantages to diversity, and look how well they are doing.

3:37pm: I wonder how far off topic I can get this class if I mention that delicious celebrity stoked bonfire in Malibu?

3:38pm: Someone just made a slavery joke. That is good old fashion wholesome white people fun. Hmm...perhaps we could use some diversity.

3:54: The hitler youth kid just went on a rant about socialized medicine. Someone needs to fuck that kid before he becomes the next Rick Santorum.

4:03pm: 12 minutes till drinking.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Live Blogging Class

Live blogging has become a recent trend in the blog world. It is also probably the most boring trend ever. Nothing is more boring than a press conference, except reading some self involved, fat ass, office monkey attempt to make witty comments on said press conference.
With that said, here is my awesomely exciting minute by minute live blog of my Tuesday afternoon seminar.

1:35pm: Professor tells bad story about weekend, everyone laughs awkwardly.

1:39pm: Professor tells everyone that he has been too busy to grade any of our work, everyone pretends to give a shit.

1:40pm: More take skill to fill three hours.

1:48pm: Professor almost picks nose, but goes for scratch a last second.

1:55pm: I realize that there are no hot girls in this class.

2:03pm: Professor just made a poorly veiled sexual innuendo towards one of the may unattractive girls.

2:11pm: I just sneezed really hard and I think I got the girl next to me with some shrapnel.

2:22pm: We just spent 10 minutes discussing the different versions and meanings of dessert and desert.

2:34pm: We are in the midst of a politically heated argument between a kid who looks like possible Hitler youth, and one who looks like a garden gnome.

2:36pm: Hitler youth just called garden gnome a slightly more indirect terminology.

3:05pm: Just woke up from a 29 minute nap in time for a 10 minutes break from class.

3:25pm: Garden gnome just eye fucked the shit out of me, maybe hitler youth was right.

3:32pm: "Should we give a liver transplant to someone who is an alcoholic?"-Professor...half the class thinks to themselves "shit I hope so."

3:39pm: Someone farted.

3:42pm: Can still smell it.

3:50pm: I just noticed how shiny the table seminar table is. I just want to jump up and slide across it on my belly.

3:55pm: It would totally be worth it. I would land right on the Professor.

4:02pm: No ventilation. Most of the class is high off the dry erase markers.

4:10pm: There's a blind chick in my class? No fucking way.

4:12pm: Fart still lingering.

4:15pm: Freedom.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

50 Ways to Break-up with some Fucking Style

Paul Simon once wrote "there must be 50 ways to leave your lover." What you may not know is that Paul Simon was king of the kickass break up. Onetime he paid Ray Charles $1,000 to touch his girlfriend's face and tell her that she felt ugly. He also told Art Garfunkle that he was a no talent hack, and that he could go fuck himself until he learned how to play a damn instrument or write some damn music. That was before they discovered mushrooms.

With that said. I present volume #2 of "50 Ways to Break-up with some Fucking Style:"
Pay Tom Brady one million dollars to have sex with her. Pay Bill Belichick one million dollars to film it, then jump out of the closet and yell "Now that is what I call cheating! Zing!"

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Rap Mogul Meets Moderately Succesful Commedian with a Beard

If you know who Zach Galifianakis is, you know that he is hilarious. If you don't, you can check out some of his work here or just search for him on YouTube. Recently, Kanye West approached Zach and asked him to make a music video for Kanye's song "You Can't Tell Me Nothin'." This is not a joke, but the music video is hysterical, so check it out on Kanye's website.
That is all for now.