What We Learned in 2007 (vol. 1)

1. Pitbull's look best handing from a chandelier.
2. Global warming means we can all move further north.
3. Airport bathrooms are a lot more fun than we used to think.
4. Republican loved handies as much as the rest of us.
5. Restless crapping can be taken extremely out of context.
6. 1 tap for I need toilet paper
7. 2 taps for how about I jerk you off under the stall.
8. 3 taps for "Hi I'm a congressman from a conservative state. Would you care to place your member in my hand while I move it back and forth in the following motion?"
9. Ewwwwwww
10. Every baseball player ever, especially Babe Ruth, has used steroids.
11. Barry Bonds actually injected his own ass and the home run ball with steroids.
12. I'll add more later...i'm bored...and tired...fuck you don't judge me.

That College Guy is back...didn't you even miss me?

You may have noticed that That College Guy, took a brief hiatus. Approximately a 1.5 month hiatus. And I'm not telling you where I was...because its my fucking website and I don't have to explain myself to you. What are you my fucking mother? Love yah. Now back to the slightly offensive, never political correct, and often riot provoking humor...

Real Government Warnings

What those beer labels should actually say.

Government Warning: 1) According to the surgeon general, women should not consume alcohol when having their period. This can cause extreme emotions and complete bitchiness. 2) Consumption of alcoholic beverages can impair you ability to realize the guy you are about to fight is twice your size.

Government Warning: 1) According to the surgeon general you will be called a pussy later tonight when you puke on yourself. 2) Consumption of alcoholic beverage can impair your ability to keep you dick hard, but can also make you last for hours before passing out.

Government Warning: 1) According to the surgeon general, women should not consume alcohol after watching Grey's Anatomy. 2) Consumption of alcoholic beverages can impair your ability not to drunk dial your ex/parents/little siblings/professors/the White House.

Government Warning: 1) According to the surgeon general, women should remain sober and always be the designated driver since it is the only time you should be allowed to operate a motor vehicle. 2) Consumption of alcoholic beverages can impair you ability to determine the weight of members of the opposite sex.

Live Blogging Class

It's Tuesday again, which means its time for another seminar live-blog!

1:35pm: Professor explains how to take an exam. No shit sherlock...the class is entirely seniors.

1:37pm: Now he is telling us how to read a chapter of a book. What's that? Left to right? Oh....that has been my fucking problem!

1:41pm: "I try to give an exam that is both fair and makes sure of your knowledge." Thank god, I thought he was going to say that the exam is designed to fuck us in the ass.

1:43pm: "I don't know what teal is, I don't know what mauve is, I don't know what chartreuse is..." I did not make this up, he just listed a bunch of colors he does not know. What is going on?

1:47pm: Remember garden gnome and hitler youth from last week? Hitler youth just called garden gnome a baby killer. Abortion debates are always fun for everyone!

1:52pm: "I'm not even going to begin to tell young women how to dress. You dress classier...we know that won't happen in this class." I'm pretty Professor smoked some crack before class.

2:05pm: Springsteen is on the cover of Rolling Stone! Sickness, that man is god...whoops...started zoning out already.

2:12pm: You know what should be a word? Douchebaggery.

3:33pm: I fell asleep and then woke up in time for the break again. I should stop doing that.

3:34pm: "Are there any disadvantages to diversity?" Is it wrong that I instantly thought of 3 horribly inappropriate and more than mildly racist jokes? Abercrombie and Fitch thinks there are lots of disadvantages to diversity, and look how well they are doing.

3:37pm: I wonder how far off topic I can get this class if I mention that delicious celebrity stoked bonfire in Malibu?

3:38pm: Someone just made a slavery joke. That is good old fashion wholesome white people fun. Hmm...perhaps we could use some diversity.

3:54: The hitler youth kid just went on a rant about socialized medicine. Someone needs to fuck that kid before he becomes the next Rick Santorum.

4:03pm: 12 minutes till drinking.

Live Blogging Class

Live blogging has become a recent trend in the blog world. It is also probably the most boring trend ever. Nothing is more boring than a press conference, except reading some self involved, fat ass, office monkey attempt to make witty comments on said press conference.
With that said, here is my awesomely exciting minute by minute live blog of my Tuesday afternoon seminar.

1:35pm: Professor tells bad story about weekend, everyone laughs awkwardly.

1:39pm: Professor tells everyone that he has been too busy to grade any of our work, everyone pretends to give a shit.

1:40pm: More stalling...it take skill to fill three hours.

1:48pm: Professor almost picks nose, but goes for scratch a last second.

1:55pm: I realize that there are no hot girls in this class.

2:03pm: Professor just made a poorly veiled sexual innuendo towards one of the may unattractive girls.

2:11pm: I just sneezed really hard and I think I got the girl next to me with some shrapnel.

2:22pm: We just spent 10 minutes discussing the different versions and meanings of dessert and desert.

2:34pm: We are in the midst of a politically heated argument between a kid who looks like possible Hitler youth, and one who looks like a garden gnome.

2:36pm: Hitler youth just called garden gnome a gay...in slightly more indirect terminology.

3:05pm: Just woke up from a 29 minute nap in time for a 10 minutes break from class.

3:25pm: Garden gnome just eye fucked the shit out of me, maybe hitler youth was right.

3:32pm: "Should we give a liver transplant to someone who is an alcoholic?"-Professor...half the class thinks to themselves "shit I hope so."

3:39pm: Someone farted.

3:42pm: Can still smell it.

3:50pm: I just noticed how shiny the table seminar table is. I just want to jump up and slide across it on my belly.

3:55pm: It would totally be worth it. I would land right on the Professor.

4:02pm: No ventilation. Most of the class is high off the dry erase markers.

4:10pm: There's a blind chick in my class? No fucking way.

4:12pm: Fart still lingering.

4:15pm: Freedom.

50 Ways to Break-up with some Fucking Style

Paul Simon once wrote "there must be 50 ways to leave your lover." What you may not know is that Paul Simon was king of the kickass break up. Onetime he paid Ray Charles $1,000 to touch his girlfriend's face and tell her that she felt ugly. He also told Art Garfunkle that he was a no talent hack, and that he could go fuck himself until he learned how to play a damn instrument or write some damn music. That was before they discovered mushrooms.

With that said. I present volume #2 of "50 Ways to Break-up with some Fucking Style:"
Pay Tom Brady one million dollars to have sex with her. Pay Bill Belichick one million dollars to film it, then jump out of the closet and yell "Now that is what I call cheating! Zing!"

Rap Mogul Meets Moderately Succesful Commedian with a Beard

If you know who Zach Galifianakis is, you know that he is hilarious. If you don't, you can check out some of his work here or just search for him on YouTube. Recently, Kanye West approached Zach and asked him to make a music video for Kanye's song "You Can't Tell Me Nothin'." This is not a joke, but the music video is hysterical, so check it out on Kanye's website.
That is all for now.

That College Slang Guy

This one is for the freshmen.

Chances are there is a guy on your freshmen hall who has adapted what can can only be described as "dumbass college slang." He has quickly picked up on some college terminology that most use sarcastically. Oblivious to this, and to the fact that he will struggle to find a roomate for next year and will likely end of living with a smelly foreign/nerdy/hippie/any of the above kid, he throws around terms such as "broseph" in a dangerously casual manner. Sometimes, he begins downright impossible to understand. Thus, I present this easy translation guide.

He says: Dude I totally slayed some dank ass tang last night.
He is trying to say: Dude, I fucked a really hot chick last night.
Actual meaning: Dude, I lost my virginity last night to some less than average slightly over weight girl with an acne problem.

He says: Dude, brah, I got so fucking hammered last night it was complete gnar, I almost went to the hospital, but I was like fuck no, I drank more than this in highschool.
He is trying to say: I drank a lot last night, and can likely drink more than you, which makes me more of a man.
Actual meaning: I got drunk off a beer and a cup of jungle juice, past out in the hallway, and urinated in my pants. Later, someone tried to help me, but I drunkenly punched them in the face. I have now alienated nearly half the people I know.

He says: Dude, you know where I could score some dank herb?
He is trying to say: I would like to smoke some pot because it will make me seem cooler.
Actual meaning: I've never purchased pot before, nor do I intend on smoking any. My mom dressed me throughout most of highschool, and I was only invited to one party which I left early when I realized that there may be illegal drug use.

He says: Dude, there was this total butter face last night at the party who kept to suck my face.
He is trying to say: A girl with a nice body, but an unattractive face tried to make out with me.
Actual meaning: I have already lowered my standards, but I still cannot get any from even the most homely fat chicks. I cried myself to sleep last night after rubbing one out, and watching several episodes of Scrubs.

Welcome Back!

I'm back from my 4 and a half month vacation with brand new wisdom and, if you're lucky, some fucking humor. But honestly, who has time for humor these days. Our country is literally falling apart at the pant seams. Speaking of pants around the ankles, when did the republicans become so cock hungry? I mean, a men's room in an airport in Minnesota? What happened to the good old days when a senator could go on an all night binge of cocaine and underage child hookers, then have the evidence erased the next morning by a local police chief whose daughter is looking to get into politics but has some federal meth charges on her record that need to mysteriously vanish. I guess we need to admire Larry Craig's work ethic. He was so damn busy fighting for the rights of good old fashion, moral, hard working Americans who hate the gays, that he only had time for a quick handy from a dude in a crowded airport. If only all senators were so good at balancing their schedules. Anyway enjoy the picture of soon to be former Senator Craig looking not at all gay...how did we not see this coming?

Product Recalls from Japan

Sometimes companies forget to hire translators. Most of the time this ends in hilarious slapstick situations which end up on Mad TV (FYI: Mad TV is the reason the terrorists are winning). Sometimes, however, these companies produce life threatening products that must be recalled...the result...even more hilarity. The following are some selections from recent Japanese products being recalled in America:

-ALERT!: Turtleneck gives VD when worn on neck of head.
-CAUTION: Microwave stabs babies when burning popcorn.
-CAUTIONS: Old person diapers make rape when playing tennis.
-WARNING: Car makes fire when sex is made in back of.
-DEFECT: Kittens die from holding under water.
-SUPER ALERT: Children prone for sexy when fed liquor.

Product Recalls from Japan

Sometimes companies forget to hire translators. Most of the time this ends in hilarious slapstick situations which end up on Mad TV (FYI: Mad TV is the reason the terrorists are winning). Sometime, however, these companies produce live threatening products that must be recalled...the result...even more hilarity. The following are some selecetions from recent Japanese products being recalled in America:

-ALERT!: Turtleneck gives VD when worn on neck of head.
-CAUTION: Microwave stabs babies when burning popcorn.
-CAUTIONS: Old person diapers make rape when playing tennis.
-WARNING: Car makes fire when sex is made in back of.
-DEFECT: Kittens die from holding under water.

Something to Tide You Over

I'm currently buried in lots of papers that I'm not doing for Professors who likely scream their own names every night during sex with wives they pretend are that slutty looking girl who sits in the front and always makes stupid fucking comments. Thus there has been a noticeable lack in posts...as noticeable as is possible since I have only done four posts so far. Anyways, there will be lots of delicious posts and some pictures coming this weekend. In the meantime tide yourself over with the Greatest Family Guy Montage Ever from my friends over at compfused.com. Family Guy: Best Moments


Watch Video

Or this incredible video starring Will Ferrel from the good dudes at funnyordie.com.

50 Ways to Break-up with some Fucking Style

Paul Simon once wrote "there must be 50 ways to leave your lover." What you may not know is that Paul Simon was king of the kickass break up. Onetime he paid Ray Charles $1,000 to touch his girlfriend's face and tell her that she felt ugly. He also told Art Garfunkle that he was a no talent hack, and that he could go fuck himself until he learned how to play a damn instrument or write some damn music. That was before they discovered mushrooms.

With that said. I present volume #1 of "50 Ways to Break-up with some Fucking Style:"

1) Take all her shampoo, soaps, lotions, and towels then leave a dollar on her pillow.

Drinking Is Not Game (Masters drinking game edition)

So this weekend was the Masters, and currently Tiger woods is preparing to gnaw through the flesh of another hopeful contender, rip out his heart, and crush all his hopes and dreams. So here is our latest drinking game. It is Masters themed, but you can play while watching any group of spoiled white guys whack balls.

-Shotgun a beer everytime a golfer swears.
-Drink once everytime Tiger hits a left handed shot just for the hell of it.
-Drink twice if lands it within three feet of the hole but he still looks like he wants to strangle a kitten.
-Shotgun a beer everytime someone in crowd screams something that sounds offensive.
-Drink once when a shot hits someone in the crowd.
-Feel guilty if it is somone in a wheelchair.
-Drink for the duration of all pointless camera work (empty fairways, trees etc.)
-Drink once everytime an announcer talks about how good Tiger is and it sounds sexual.
-Drink twice if he does it with an accent.

Drinking Is Not a Game (Easter Edition)

Going home for Easter weekend? That College Guy's Easter Drinking Game should help you tolerate the family and quell your shaky hands while trying to decorate eggs.

-Drink once everytime your little brother calls an egg pretty.
-Drink twice to clear the mental image of him twirling a baton at a highschool football game.
-Drink once everytime your drunk Uncle steps on an egg and then compares it to his shattered dreams.
-Shotgun a beer every time you tell an eight-year-old the easter bunny was killed by viscous dogs.
-Shotgun two if its a relative.
-Drink three times whenever your senile grandfather compares the easter bunny to Hitler.
-Pound a beer whenever you picture your hot cousin in bunny ears.
-Drink until you black out when you picture her in only bunny ears.

For your viewing pleasure: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfpz9uEH-fQ

So College Advice (the day after a good black out)

So you blacked out Saturday night, congratulations! We’ll get back to that in a moment. First, let me introduce myself, I am That College Guy. My $40,000+ tuition would likely be better spent on…just about anything, but don’t tell my parents that. When I’m not playing Tiger Woods 2007 on my stolen playstation, bonging Jager, you can find me drunkenly trading STDs with a fat chick who tastes like beer and a KFC Famous Bowl. If I can’t make it to class I try to cover up the guilt by engaging my roommates in inane banter about the most recent political developments of which I know absolutely nothing. Do you know who Roberto Gonzales is? Neither do I, but by merely mentioning his name in casual conversation I am able to reassure myself that I have not “smoked myself retarded.”
That’s right, I am That College Guy and I am everything that is stereotypically college. I have decided to share some of my knowledge with you. I already found a half hour spot in my weekly schedule; on Thursday night in between downloading internet porn and purchasing alcohol for minors, during which time I will let my wisdom spill onto this page like so many knuckle children onto the t-shirt under my bed.
So you blacked out Saturday night! Forgot already, eh? Oh what fun you must have had. In fact, you are nearly 100% positive that sometime in between your eighth shot of tequila at 10pm on Saturday and waking up on Sunday at 2pm, that you must have done something really fucking sweet. All you can remember, however, is a scattering of blurred images. Likely something like this: “Where did I go last night? The swimming house? I don’t even know any swimmers. Who the fuck is that walking me back to my dorm…a public safety officer? I’m I vomiting on his shoes or are his shoes kicking me in the face? Why is he wearing heels? It’s a chick! Sweet, I must have scored last night! Was it that cute girl from upstairs? Now I remember being in her suite...I think. God let’s hope it was her and not her ambiguously gay roommate Nathan.”
Now what? First, you are going to need to find out what you did/didn’t do/touch/break/lick/vomit on/fall down/ bad touch/good touch…you get the point. That is the only way to ease that ominous feeling that you may have done something horribly wrong. Was there a cat involved? Perhaps a small child? Fire? Public urination…maybe involving the cat? Start with your closest friends. Ask them vague yet directed questions such as: “Did I leave my jacket at your place? No…how about my man-juice?” Questions like these will make it seem like you remember everything. Other good examples are: “Were you with us when we walked back last night? Did we go to Turkey Hill? Did I break a car window with my head and then proceed to relieve myself into the car while screaming improperly quoted lines from Family Guy?” The answers to these questions will help you slowly piece together the story of your hilarious/witty/sloppy/burning/murderous/horrifyingly inappropriate actions.
By now you should know whether you should avoid eye contact with the girl from upstairs for the next couple of weeks. Also, you should have some sense of the likelihood of any pending legal actions. There is a big difference between running from the cops after peeing on the side of the pizza place, and running from imaginary cops…after peeing on yourself.
Chances are that I (That College Guy) saw you at some point Saturday night. Maybe we talked about “that chick that does that thing with her tongue” or swapped stories about home made bongs. More than likely we reminisced about how awesome it was to wear sandals that day when it was 8 degrees below zero. Man that was cool! Perhaps you even threatened to fight me because I told you that O.A.R. sucks.