That College Slang Guy

This one is for the freshmen.

Chances are there is a guy on your freshmen hall who has adapted what can can only be described as "dumbass college slang." He has quickly picked up on some college terminology that most use sarcastically. Oblivious to this, and to the fact that he will struggle to find a roomate for next year and will likely end of living with a smelly foreign/nerdy/hippie/any of the above kid, he throws around terms such as "broseph" in a dangerously casual manner. Sometimes, he begins downright impossible to understand. Thus, I present this easy translation guide.

He says: Dude I totally slayed some dank ass tang last night.
He is trying to say: Dude, I fucked a really hot chick last night.
Actual meaning: Dude, I lost my virginity last night to some less than average slightly over weight girl with an acne problem.

He says: Dude, brah, I got so fucking hammered last night it was complete gnar, I almost went to the hospital, but I was like fuck no, I drank more than this in highschool.
He is trying to say: I drank a lot last night, and can likely drink more than you, which makes me more of a man.
Actual meaning: I got drunk off a beer and a cup of jungle juice, past out in the hallway, and urinated in my pants. Later, someone tried to help me, but I drunkenly punched them in the face. I have now alienated nearly half the people I know.

He says: Dude, you know where I could score some dank herb?
He is trying to say: I would like to smoke some pot because it will make me seem cooler.
Actual meaning: I've never purchased pot before, nor do I intend on smoking any. My mom dressed me throughout most of highschool, and I was only invited to one party which I left early when I realized that there may be illegal drug use.

He says: Dude, there was this total butter face last night at the party who kept to suck my face.
He is trying to say: A girl with a nice body, but an unattractive face tried to make out with me.
Actual meaning: I have already lowered my standards, but I still cannot get any from even the most homely fat chicks. I cried myself to sleep last night after rubbing one out, and watching several episodes of Scrubs.